anxioussssss

i can't eat

i feel sick to my stomach whenever i try to eat

my nerves are shot

i wrote to him and said :

i can't keep up this anxiety anymore. its nerves being around you.. and guilt from feeling bad about jim, and caro. my body is telling me its wrong. every day. i'm literally at war with my head and my stomach. i want so much to be with you, but its not going to happen, and i can't keep up with the way things are now.

i know everything we talked about last night, and maybe this is a good place to stop, before either of us gets any more confused, and you can go on with the life you have planned...

please don't say i'm breaking up with you, b/c it makes me feel worse.

next week will be easier b/c we wont have to see eachother all day every day, hopefully my anxiety will calm down. i have to fly in two weeks to visit my cousin, i HAVE to be fine before then, i cannot get on a plane and have another anxiety attack. i'll lose my fucking mind.

i feel better just writing this actually. i try to trick myself every morning driving in, "just think of him as a friend, and you'll be fine" and i can't. you have no idea of the grip anxiety has on me. it fucking blows. if this were a different situation, and we were both single, i'd be fine. but the guilt comes at me even tho i try to ignore it.

i know u understand. the longer we go on this way, the worse it'll be for me, and harder for us both.


i want to run away from him, so i can feel better....but i want him to hold me and kiss me at the same time. 

11/10

i feel guilty for not telling Mike that i have a love addiction.  He doesn't know that i do this alot, and he thinks his feelings for me are real...and they might be, but mine for him are just an addiction, i have no idea what is real..  he wants a reason why we woludn't work if we were both single...well, there it is.

but yet i'm still going to kiss him after work.  when i'm near him i just want to kiss him and hold him.